My husband and I have been living apart for 3 months. We’ve been having trouble for more than 2 years. I’m deeply unhappy – I feel the trough is too deep for any sort of reconciliation. How do I know for sure that any chance of intimacy is gone and that I’m not making a mistake by pushing for divorce?”

Your Answer

The first stage of the romantic relationship is attraction. This time is quite intoxicating as you may well remember. He’s like a drug – you’re on a high when he’s available and when he’s not, you’re down in the dumps! Then comes affection – seeing little things about him that melt your heart. Before too long, it becomes heated and sexual – physical drives take over so much so you ache for union; the ecstasy makes you quite mindless!

People often mistake intercourse for intimacy. Those of us who’ve been in relationships know that the body may be present but when heart is absent, there can be no intimacy. So I’d describe intimacy as a state where ego does not feature. Intimacy is a place where two people can be totally natural, with nothing to defend and everything to allow and accept. When two people are intimate, there is no more seduction. It becomes about equality and honor.

Yes, intimacy is a tall order. Those who live too much “in the world” would have trouble with this. Why? Because mind is working overtime – to judge, compare, define, and classify. Intimacy calls for connection and those who live in the realm of mind are too busy labeling, separating. Intimacy wants us to be still. It wants every cell in our body to “show up” for the other person.

Is there true intimacy or are there only intimate moments? Perhaps we need be more observant as we sit at cafes and walk through parks to find out for sure.


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