Get A Life Q&A Feb 2 2014
I’m recently divorced and amidst the mixed emotions I feel inside, that sometimes make me want to cry uncontrollably and then laugh for no reason, I am shocked that a few of my friends won’t speak to me anymore. When do things start getting better?
I wouldn’t wish divorce on my worst enemy. When I say I know what it feels like, I really know. So yes, I’m familiar with what you’re saying about the roller coaster emotions that run away with you as if they had a life of their own. That’s all part of the process – an eddy created from releasing, holding on, wanting to make sense of things to get closure.
For awhile it will be about, “Why me?” And then one morning you wake up and notice that it isn’t the marriage you’re missing, but the routine of how your life used to be. You’ll think, “I used to miss ________, but hey, my aim is improving!”
Start thinking, “What if things don’t have to make sense for me to let go?” Start practicing new thoughts, feelings, and habits like, “I’m exactly where I’m meant to be for the life I’m meant to lead.” Picture your angels next to you going, “We have your back. We are guiding you to your destination. Trust.”
As for those friends who won’t speak to you, think of them as unconscious. Think of them as being caught in a parallel universe; they can see but cannot understand what’s going on. How they are behaving is as if they are responding to another dialogue, not the one involving you at all. That’s why they don’t make sense.
Things will start improving the moment you trust that there’s a blessing in every experience. Start looking for blessings and be grateful.
I’ve been seeing this man for about a year. Trouble is I can never pin him down. In between his visits, I don’t know where he is. He says he’s committed to me and I’ve told him I want us to spend more time, but his absence bothers me. Should I let him go?
He’s committed – and unreachable? How loving and respectful is that? If respect is one value you want in your relationships. What other values do you want in your partnership? What’s important to you, that’s simply not negotiable, if you want your relationship to work?
He says he’s committed to you – however there seems to be no allowance for what you need. I read he’s committed to his independence; he wants to contract with you on his terms, take it or leave it. Do you really believe he’s a keeper?
Think of it like a scale, you on one side and he on the other. Who’s making the bigger investment in terms of emotions and energy? Who’s got more interest in the game? Who’s got more power and control? What’s this relationship really about?
Now think about what you are feeling. You feel bothered by his absence. What about resentment about not knowing, being left out, feeling small? How does that support intimacy between two people? How does that support a healthy self – esteem?
So when will you make a stand about this? When will you stop compromising and start believing you deserve better? “I deserve the kind of relationship that is built on trust, mutual respect, and connectedness. I am worth 100% and I expect no less than 100% from my relationships.”