Get a Life Q&A Mar 16 2014
I’m stressing over money at the moment. In fact I’m always short, one way or another. I don’t make enough for how I live – that’s true, but how can one survive in the city with less than RM 5000 these days? I just don’t know how to make more money with the education I have and I’m out of ideas how to cut expenses. I need a breakthrough about money.
Yes RM 5000 is limiting for life in the city, that’s a fact given today’s prices. Other things you’ve said are your emotions i.e. how you’re stressed about being short. And then your interpretation is you’re always short (even of education) because you don’t know how to make more money or cut expenses. Yes I can empathize with you. At the level of need, you are in survival mode.
So you want a breakthrough. How would that look like, sound like, and feel like for you? When you’ve had this breakthrough what would change? Can you create this change for yourself or would you need support doing it? Who do you see in your picture for helping you? Take a moment and think about this.
Stress. Stuckness – not knowing how to move forward. Wanting to stage a break out of your prison will take some energy. What kind of energy will you need? Think of the last time you overcame an obstacle, how did you pull through? With what resources? Focus, determination, trust in yourself, commitment to what you believe in… make a list of all these characteristics that you’ll need to pull together for your breakthrough about money.
What will you do with what you know? A breakthrough means change, big change. Change can only come from a different way of thinking. Here’s where I challenge your beliefs about lack of education. What if you could do more with what you have? And if you could do more, do more in what area? How much more?
What could you choose to believe that would get you out there doing differently, doing more?
Sometimes I want to grab him by the throat and shake the life out of him! I want my husband to see me, to notice how I’m responding to him. Instead he’s oblivious. I feel like he’s there but indifferent, you know? What happened to the romance, the way he used to read poetry to me and stroke my hand? How can I have my husband back?
Umm… so romance is your driving force? What’s behind the drama is your need for romance – and this to you is about your husband noticing you, reading you poetry, and stroking your hand? You literally need to “feel” his love; knowing he’s there isn’t enough.
Does your husband get you? What are his values? What are his needs? At this level of frustration, there seems to be a gap between your expectations and his. Perhaps your reaction is counter – intuitive, that means he’s giving you the exact opposite of what you want because of how you’re reacting. How could you engage in ways that would help produce the outcome you want?
Men have their “caves,” that place to retreat to when times get stressful. Men, unless warriors like lawyers and those who engage in hostile takeover bids for a living, generally dislike confrontation. Especially with their spouse!
I’d initiate that conversation around values and needs with him. “Honey, what’s important to you about our marriage?” “Honey, what’s the most important thing you’d like us to build together?” “Honey, how do you see us as a couple? How would you like us to be together?”
And then tell him what you need. You need to feel safe. You need to feel heard. Like you belong. Ask if he would demonstrate that in ways meaningful to you.
Whether you have your husband back or not depends on how well and willing you are to find your way back to each other.